I was thinking about what to write. My adoring fans are pining away waiting for the next post. I found the above and it seems to reflect my solipsism. Or to hear The Persian describe me, I’m a meltdown like Charlie Sheen but not interesting. I’m a little proud of that one. After all, she did contact me to insult me, which tracked similarly to my response to her, “and yet here you are.”
All of this is my way of cueing you into a growing disconnect I am feeling. I’m a nice guy and have always had a fine time getting along with people. Lately, though, I can feel that changing. I am increasingly involved in events and escalations that are completely dumb.
Yesterday at the gym I approached the leg lift sleds. One had weights on it and the other was empty. I took off some of the weights and this large black man approached me, “yo, little man. That’s me. I’m there.”
Okay, no problem. I then put the weights back on. As I was doing this he began to lecture me that the sled right next to me, the empty one, was the same machine and blah blah blah. I lifted my palm to him. I was intending this to be an apology, a way of saying I understand and that he didn’t need to waste his breath explaining something that didn’t need explaining.
“Did you just flip your hand at me? You interrupt my workout and now you flip my hand at me?”
“Relax, I didn’t know -”
“- Relax?! Now you tell me to relax?”
“Yes. I didn’t know you were here.”
“Well, I was. I was over there doing chin ups.” I gave him my best non-escalatory and yet still you’re-an-idiot look at then turned my back to him. Later The Swede asked if I was afraid there would be a fight. And I realized that I wasn’t. I would have had my ass kicked, but I knew that in the gym he would not be violent. I also, and this is what concerns me the most, didn’t really care. I do care, but i suspect I was too confident in the deterrent effect of being in the gym.
In any case, events like this happen more and mroe frequently. Maybe I am not as apologetic as the typical Minnesotan and so my behavior comes off as aggressive. Maybe it’s not Minnesota and therefore my differnce. Maybe there is something I am doing to invite more and more conflicts. Deep down my worst fear is that I am losing my boyish charmn as I age. I also note an increased hostility in how I approach the world. I have recently defriended some FaceBook friends because their conservative rants were too affecting to my mood.